Thunder Within
by amcfan000
Summary: Stephanie is back home in San Francisco. She finally told DJ the truth about not being able to have children, but there's more to the story, and she's just not ready to let anybody in on that part of her life. She put her own life on hold to help her sister. But just because she put her life on hold, doesn't mean the rest of the world stops. **Trigger Warning: Self-Harm**
**Disclaimer: I do not own Fuller House or any of its character(s) and/or settings portrayed in this story. This story is for entertainment purposes only.**

 **A/N: Not my first story on fanfiction, but my first story for Fuller House, or well, really my first story that hasn't been for Grey's Anatomy. I hope you like.**

 **Trigger Warning: Mentions of self-harm in this chapter. I have Bolded that section of the chapter in case you all wish to skip it.**

Stephanie got up early to try to beat the morning ruckus in her home. She had a big gig next weekend and she really needed to get some practice down at the studio before the week was up. She loved her sister and her nephews, Ramona, and even Kimmy, dearly, but it was hard to concentrate or get anything done in a household full of family and friends.

"Hey Steph." DJ quietly greeted as the taller blonde stopped mid tip toe to the front door.

"Oh, hey." Stephanie turned and gave her sister a sheepish smile.

The older woman was still clad in pajamas with a mug in hand, no doubt filled with freshly brewed coffee.

DJ couldn't help but smirk at the guilty look on her sister's face, "You know you're allowed to leave, right? You don't have to sneak out." She teased. Especially after she had heard the joke between Stephanie and her friend, asking Stephanie to blink twice if they were holding her captive.

Stephanie sighed as a small smile crept on her lips, "I know. It's just…" She trailed off as she made her way further into the house to sit on the couch, DJ followed suit.

"As soon as Jackson, Max, and Ramona wake up, they'll want to hangout and I can't say no to them. I'd rather just not be here when they wake up instead of having to be faced with those sweet puppy dog eyes."

DJ chuckled. It was Saturday. The kids all loved to go out with their Aunt Stephanie on the weekends.

"Anyways, just give them all a kiss for me and let them know I will try to be back before dinner. As a matter of fact, I can call beforehand. Maybe I can pick up pizza on the way home?"

DJ smiled, "That sounds great. And it's probably why you're their favorite."

Stephanie smiled at the compliment as she got up from the couch to leave.

"Hey, Steph?"

"Yeah?" Stephanie turned around to find her sister's worried gaze.

"Everything's alright?"

"Yeah." The young woman answered a little too unconvincingly.

"Because, if there's…if there's anything you want to talk about, or…if you need a break. Anything. I will understand. Kimmy and I are here, and the kids are here, and we love you. We love having you here. I just want you to know how much we love having you here. How much I appreciate you being here for me…for us. I just…I love having you here and I don't want you to get overwhelmed and…"

Stephanie softly smiled as her sister rambled on, "And runaway?"

DJ let out a soft sigh, "I…I just don't want you to think that I only want you here because you're helping me. We are sisters and I love that you're here, because you are you. And I missed having you around. I know you were touring and had this great life and you've had to put it on hold, but I just…I know I've put a lot on your plate lately with the kids and the house, but…I don't want you to leave us. I like being your big sister and protecting you and looking after you too. And I know the roles have been reversed lately, but I'm here. I'm still your big sis…" DJ's voice trailed off with a slight crack.

Tears threatened to spill from Stephanie's eyes as she quickly walked up to DJ and embraced her tightly,

"Thank you. Thank you for that. I really needed to hear it." Stephanie softly whispered as she and DJ remained hugging. Ever since she had told her sister about not being able to have children, she had been down in the dumps. Seeing DJ and Kimmy with their kids only reminded her of what she once lost, and would never get back.

She hadn't told DJ the whole story, but she had said enough. She wasn't planning on it, but she had been alone in her silence and in her suffering for so long and it…it had felt good to finally get it out. To finally say it out loud. Only problem with that was that it had made it real. DJ now knew and there was no hiding or pretending anymore.

Stephanie pulled back from the hug as both sisters let out a nervous chuckle.

"We're a mess." Stephanie teased as she wiped her tears.

DJ couldn't help but laugh slightly as she wiped her own tears, "We certainly are."

"I'll see you soon." Stephanie stated as she gave DJ one last smile and walked out the front door. She needed to hurry and get to the studio before the kids woke up for the day.

DJ let out a worried sigh as the door shut behind Stephanie. She sat back down on the couch and sipped on her coffee. Her thoughts getting the better of her. She was worried about Stephanie. Ever since her sister had revealed to her that she couldn't have any children, the younger woman had been distant and sullen.

Stephanie was great with the kids, but there was always that sadness in Stephanie's eyes whenever she saw Kimmy or DJ interact with the kids. DJ was just worried that it would all be too much and Stephanie would distance herself from the family again. She had done it before. DJ didn't know the reasons behind it at the time. She had chalked it up to Stephanie's youth and her adventurous spirit. But she worried that maybe there had always been an underlying reason. One that Stephanie hadn't even been able to admit to herself. Not being able to have children seemed like it may have been the driving force behind her sister's actions and decision to stay away and isolate herself from family functions or live in the states.

Stephanie hadn't gone into details. Like, how long had she known she was infertile? Or, what prompted her to find out the answer to whether or not she would able to have kids in the first place? Had she been sick? Had she had to have some sort of operation? Was it just something that had always been? Was she considering settling down and having kids and something seemed off? Had she thought she had met that special someone, and due to her infertility they had gone away? So many questions ran through DJ's mind, but she didn't want to bombard Stephanie, or sadden her. It was obviously something that affected her sister and she would give Stephanie all the time and space she needed, and if she never got her answers, that was fine too. It didn't mean she couldn't drive herself crazy with worry like the big sister that she was.

* * *

"Hey Steph." Peter, the studio manager, happily greeted.

Stephanie couldn't help but smile back. Peter had the best smile and had always treated her well and with such respect.

"Hola Pedro." She teased.

Peter chuckled, he was originally from Colombia and had been given the name Pedro at birth, but now only his mother and his grandmother called him that…oh, and apparently Stephanie.

"Hola Estefania." He winked.

Stephanie giggled.

"Vas a trabajar en el studio hoy?" (Will you be working in the studio today?)

Stephanie worriedly bit her lip, "Hola Pedro?"

They both shared a laugh.

"I have to brush up on my Spanish." She admitted.

Peter smiled at the beautiful blonde, "Maybe I can teach you? I am a great teacher. I can teach you a lot of things."

Stephanie's eyes opened wide.

"Th…that came out wrong." Peter worriedly stated at the look Stephanie was giving him.

A flirty smile crept up on the blonde's lips, "You don't want to teach me things?"

"No, I do…I just…" Peter sighed and closed his eyes. "I really suck at this." He whispered.

Stephanie softly smiled as Peter's eyes finally met her own.

"I really like you Steph. You've been at the studio for the last six months, and every time I get to see your smiling face, the way you get lost in the music, I just…I want to be like music for you. I want to put that smile on your face."

Stephanie blushed as she shyly looked away.

"One word a day." Peter stated.

"What?" Stephanie looked back at him with confusion written all over her features.

"I can teach you one word a day…Spanish."

Stephanie arched an eyebrow, "You do know I'll be learning Spanish for the rest of my life that way."

"I know." Peter whispered as he and Stephanie shared a knowing smile.

* * *

"Musica." Stephanie smiled to herself as she walked in through the back door of her childhood home. It was the first word Peter had taught her. She knew it meant music, but it had been a fun and easy lesson. They flirted and ordered chinse food, and ate right out of the cartons. Peter understood her and had always been patient and kind. Most guys just wanted to jump in bed with her. He didn't pressure her into being someone that she would never be. She liked that about him.

She continued to smile to herself. She had had one of the best days. She hadn't had one of those in a long time.

She had called DJ prior to coming home to see about picking up the pizza she had promised for dinner. Her older sister advised that she, Kimmy, and the kids were at the movies. The kids had been bored and missed their Aunt Stephanie, so Kimmy and DJ promised them a late matinee as long as they got all their chores done early. As soon as they left the theater they would pick up the pizzas and meet Stephanie at home for dinner.

Stephanie smiled as she sat down on one of the kitchen's stools. She couldn't help but look around and take in every nook and cranny of the kitchen. Her childhood, every fiber of everything that she was today had started in this house, in this very room. She couldn't help but feel nostalgic and grateful. It wasn't every day that someone could say that they could go back to their childhood home, where memories had been made.

A tear slid down her cheek as she angrily wiped it away. Negative thoughts started to invade her mind. It usually happened when she was alone. Thoughts of what could've been.

She wondered if her own daughter had beautiful childhood memories, or a place where she could call home and get nostalgic.

 _Her daughter?_ Stephanie scoffed at the thought. _Could she even call her that? Her daughter?_

She had taken the coward's way out. Gave her up for adoption. Too worried about what society would say. An eighteen year old college student, with flunking grades. She knew there were many reasons why people chose adoption for their children, but in her case, she had just been a coward.

She held her for thirty minutes, fed her, sung her a lullaby, kissed her forehead numerous times, and then gave her away.

Fifteen years, sixty four days, four hours, nine minutes, and thirty two seconds later...could she still call her her daughter?

Why had she given her away?

Her family? Her abusive boyfriend and his family? She was a coward.

" _All of those fit."_ She sadly whispered to herself.

Would any of them have supported her?

 _DJ would've._ Stephanie thought to herself, but then quickly shook her head at the idea. DJ was only twenty-three at the time, also in College, studying to be a Veterinarian. She wouldn't have had the time or the resources.

"No use dwelling on it now, Stephanie Judith Tanner." She bitterly chastised herself as she angrily wiped away the tears that slid down her cheeks.

 **She anxiously passed her hands over jean clad thighs. Her skin itched underneath, begging her to alleviate the pain. One single stroke, a small, thin line across her already marred skin. That was all it would take.**

 **The blonde quickly got up and ran to the basement to use the bathroom in her now bedroom. She made sure to lock the door behind her and put the phone next to her in case DJ called. She frantically searched the drawers, for something, anything that would bring relief.**

 **She hadn't cut in a while and had been proud of herself for it. She hadn't needed to use any tools to self-harm ever since she had moved back in with her sister. Not even the night she told DJ she wasn't able to have children.**

 **"Any _more_ children." She angrily whispered to herself as she found the razor she had hidden away in case of emergencies.**

 **She swallowed thickly as she nervously looked at the shiny metal object. It was new and would make a nice quick cut. She would purposefully glide back and forth, to feel it, the pain…the pain right before the release.**

 **Stephanie put the razor down on top of the sink and undid the button on her jeans. The zipper easily slid down against her fingers, the noise of its traction sounded like thunder against her ears.**

 **She didn't understand it. The noise, it was always…quiet. She would always pick a quiet, private spot. It was as if time would stop and some heavenly being was looking down at her in shame. They all knew and all eyes would be on her, but she just needed the quiet to concentrate on the task at hand. But the guilt. The guilt had always been loud, like thunder pounding in her ears.**

 **She slid her body down the nearest wall, her jeans crumpled around her knees, her bare thighs exposed. The road map of her life drawn out across them in thin, pink, raised lines.**

 **And then the thunder boomed as she drew the first line, and then traced it with the razor yet again, this time a little deeper. The first trickle of red seeped out onto the razor's edges and spilled against her milky white skin, and it was silent again.**

Relief had come. It was quiet.

Water dripped from the faucet. She could hear the drop.

 _Drip…one second, two seconds…Drip…one second, two seconds…Drip_

And there it was again, the thunder…the guilt.


End file.
